Tuesday, September 18, 2018

untitled - 1

I've practically abandoned this blog, huh? Haha. I've gotten a bit too apathetic to my liking. Sorry about that.

Looking at the archive, the last thing was that SINGLE post on January earlier this year? Honestly I thought it was way older lol. I remember I wrote that trying to melt some of the ice engulfing my heart (hence the snow) but I guess it didn't work out much? Somehow it ended as a deathfic, quite literally, lol.

Since then? Not much. Though I admit I'm quite fond at looking at old archives when I feel I can't write. Those older archives, while horrible themselves, kind of proved that I still had something in me. Unlike now. I'm only rambling like this because I'm anxious as hell. Not because I finally found something to write. Nah. Would be another hundred years early.


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I guess while I'm at it, let's talk about... stuff.

Since the end of last year, I'm delving into a new fandom: butai. As in stageplays. Mainly with ikemen-filled ones. This is quite an improvement, don't you think??? I've moved on from 2D to 3D! (or 2.5D, it's the same for me) I'm having a clearer picture of my own type! .......though, I must admit it's getting further from local men looooool

I'm lonely. I don't interact much with my friends in the first place, and now that there's no classes where we see face-to-face and get into conversations naturally, I practically have no one to talk to lol. I mainly just chat with one person, a friend in arms who jumped into butai together with me. That's not healthy, I knooow, but what to do?? I'm not the type to just hit "hi let's talk" with random friends. With most of college friends, I tend to automatically try to be the good me, you know? I'm the reliable, though sometimes childish friend. And no, I can't stick to that image right now, wow. While with other internet friends... I don't have any courage to actually make friends with them. I know I always appear to be the know-it-all and that's annoying. So I prefer not to talk to much lest I show off my annoying side. To family? I need to appear okay, okay? Everything is okay at home. Even when it isn't, I need to make it appear okay. Home is where I can feel at home, I can't ruin it with unnecessary worries. I need to feel okay, that I'm handling everything okay, when I'm home.

ずいぶんと、身勝手なことを言いたい放題ですね。

Aah. You know what? I know perfectly well that everything is in me. I can easily change the situation if I were a bit braver to step outside my comfort zone. I know. I'm trying to reach out to one friend I used to talk to in college, trying to make myself talk more. But it's so hard to let go of the good-reliable-friend mask I'm wearing. I'm not okay. I can't be reliable. I need help. I need motivation. But every time I try to step out and admit I'm weak, wow it's so shameful that I just reach that persona back. Everything was so much easier when I acted like I could do it.

(Actually, I know the act had been chipping away from me as time pass by, pretty sure everyone in college already how ugly I was by the course of the third year.)

(It's just me who doesn't want to let go of the delusion.)

(I hate myself.)


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I'm not okay.

Sometimes I wonder why I stopped going to that psychologist sensei in Japan. It was much easier to talk to strangers, plus I know he wouldn't judge.

But.

As time goes by, I got uncomfortable under his gaze.

I got scared.

What was I scared of? The possibility of him thinking I'm just an edgy girl who got all emo and deluded herself about having a mental illness, or scared I will appear as weak in his eyes?

(I hate myself.)





























-------don't look