he lp

There are people who pushed hard, hard, hard until their hands bleed and sting, yet they never find what they are looking for.

There are people who turn their back, retrace their steps, go all the way back to square one only to find another thorny path.

There are also people who stop and stare at the boulder blocking their way, their steps frozen under fear of the unknown.

I am the latter.

No matter what I tell myself, what people tell me, my hands are cold and my feet are stuck. I don't know how to move. I don't even know what is weighing me down. I can see the people whom I care about cheering for me, yes, I can hear their voices--but they seem so far. So hazy. The boulder looms before me and my tiny body, shadowing my precious people.

Why?

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I've practically abandoned this blog, huh? Haha. I've gotten a bit too apathetic to my liking. Sorry about that.

Looking at the archive, the last thing was that SINGLE post on January earlier this year? Honestly I thought it was way older lol. I remember I wrote that trying to melt some of the ice engulfing my heart (hence the snow) but I guess it didn't work out much? Somehow it ended as a deathfic, quite literally, lol.

Since then? Not much. Though I admit I'm quite fond at looking at old archives when I feel I can't write. Those older archives, while horrible themselves, kind of proved that I still had something in me. Unlike now. I'm only rambling like this because I'm anxious as hell. Not because I finally found something to write. Nah. Would be another hundred years early.


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I guess while I'm at it, let's talk about... stuff.

Since the end of last year, I'm delving into a new fandom: butai. As in stageplays. Mainly with ikemen-filled ones. This is quite an improvement, don't you think??? I've moved on from 2D to 3D! (or 2.5D, it's the same for me) I'm having a clearer picture of my own type! .......though, I must admit it's getting further from local men looooool

I'm lonely. I don't interact much with my friends in the first place, and now that there's no classes where we see face-to-face and get into conversations naturally, I practically have no one to talk to lol. I mainly just chat with one person, a friend in arms who jumped into butai together with me. That's not healthy, I knooow, but what to do?? I'm not the type to just hit "hi let's talk" with random friends. With most of college friends, I tend to automatically try to be the good me, you know? I'm the reliable, though sometimes childish friend. And no, I can't stick to that image right now, wow. While with other internet friends... I don't have any courage to actually make friends with them. I know I always appear to be the know-it-all and that's annoying. So I prefer not to talk to much lest I show off my annoying side. To family? I need to appear okay, okay? Everything is okay at home. Even when it isn't, I need to make it appear okay. Home is where I can feel at home, I can't ruin it with unnecessary worries. I need to feel okay, that I'm handling everything okay, when I'm home.

ずいぶんと、身勝手なことを言いたい放題ですね。

Aah. You know what? I know perfectly well that everything is in me. I can easily change the situation if I were a bit braver to step outside my comfort zone. I know. I'm trying to reach out to one friend I used to talk to in college, trying to make myself talk more. But it's so hard to let go of the good-reliable-friend mask I'm wearing. I'm not okay. I can't be reliable. I need help. I need motivation. But every time I try to step out and admit I'm weak, wow it's so shameful that I just reach that persona back. Everything was so much easier when I acted like I could do it.

(Actually, I know the act had been chipping away from me as time pass by, pretty sure everyone in college already how ugly I was by the course of the third year.)

(It's just me who doesn't want to let go of the delusion.)

(I hate myself.)


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I'm not okay.

Sometimes I wonder why I stopped going to that psychologist sensei in Japan. It was much easier to talk to strangers, plus I know he wouldn't judge.

But.

As time goes by, I got uncomfortable under his gaze.

I got scared.

What was I scared of? The possibility of him thinking I'm just an edgy girl who got all emo and deluded herself about having a mental illness, or scared I will appear as weak in his eyes?

(I hate myself.)





























-------don't look

[Orific] Deep Snow

A/N: Happy new year!

My first memory of that day was white snowdrops slowly falling onto me.

I think it was deep into the night judging from the absence of other noises, but strangely enough, I didn't register the coldness. Even though it should have been freezing. I was silent as I laid there on the soft bed made of snow, gazing blankly at the snow petals. It was so pretty. It was mesmerizing. Had I ever seen something as majestic before? No, not really. A scenery as beautiful as this would certainly leave a mark in my memories, yet I could find no such thing. Ah, yes, this was the first. 

And then I blinked. 

"Yo. Good morning, Sleeping Beauty."

A figure. He—or at least I thought it was a he—wore a black cape that shielded his eyes, I could only found his delicate lips and sharp chin from down here. Who? I tried to think with my dull brain, questioning my mute senses about his arrival. I didn't know if I didn't catch him coming my way, as deep in a trance as I had been, or if he had been very silent when he approached me. 

"Hey, hey, you can at least look a bit more surprised, you know," the figure spoke again as he crouched down. He put his chin on one hand, as though he was bored out of his mind as he peered down. "You're no fun."

I blinked.

"Heh, I suppose you're too far gone, huh? This won't even hurt then."

What?

My eyes followed him as he straightened his back with a little heave, as he pulled out a huge scythe seemingly out of nowhere, as his small lips curved beautifully into a smirk. When he readied his scythe, though, for a milisecond his cape was pulled back and I could spot two sparkling crimson eyes. It was then I understood. Not with my dull brain and mute senses, no. I understood with my whole soul.

He was my Death.

Such a long-awaited reunion. Too bad it would be gone in another second, don't you think? But I was satisfied, I had no complaint. At the last moment, I was able to stretch my own lips into a small smile too.

Hello, Death.