So close, yet if feels so far. Only when someone dear to you is stolen by it, you understand how fleetingly and dangerously close it is. Tears being shed, regrets being said, goodbyes being waved. Those, are all you can do once death has taken action.
And, I just had an experience about death.
Let's call her Rose. She is one of my best friends--we've been deskmates for half a year, spending lots of time doing assignments together, telling small secrets like any usual high-school girls. It all started a couple of days ago. I found out thather father just underwent a surgery. The worse part is, she didn't tell me directly but I found out after reading her status in Facebook.
The following day, she came late to school. I was so worried, I thought she wouldn't come. But when she did come, she laughed like nothing happened and casually said, "Ah, Ann, were you worried?" I wonder if she meant about her being late or her father. Well, all in all, I just hugged her--casually, I hoped, though hugging isn't my 'normal thing' at all--and I think she felt quite relieved, judging how tight she held me.
I felt more miserable when I saw her crying silently after everyone had gone home that day. If only I could do something, or at least say something...
Well, I thought everything wouldn't be worse because I heard her father's surgery went well. Hovewer, later at that day, while my friends and I were having a good time together, eating and chatting and praying together in our 'buka puasa bersama', we got bad news.
Rose's father passed away. It's said that there was infection.
I couldn't control myself and cried right then. Well, not sobbing or crying soundly, mind you. Just cry. After that, I didn't know what to think, what to do. Of course I wanted to go to the hospital and hug her, tell her that it's okay--but everything seemed superficial to me, at that time. Thank God, there were my friends there. My class leader took care of it all. Some of my classmates had already gone to the hospital, and they said it's better to wait until the next day. So I settled down. I sent her a message of condolences.
You know what her reply was? She apologized for not being able to come to our class' event--even though that's not her fault at all! Gosh. I nearly cried again when I read it. Some of my friends also broke down when I told them about that message.
Oh, Rose.
The next day--which is today--I went to school like usual. The weather was cloudy. The atmosphere in my class was gloomy. My eyes felt puffy and I couldn't really smile. The hardest day I've ever experienced.
And you know what? It was the last day of school before Lebaran holiday. It was the election day of Student Council President. It was supposed to be a happy, a fresh day. But we had it the other way around.
My class went to Rose's house. She was crying so much, but she still smiled. She thanked us all. She was trying her best to stay calm and collected, I know. She was always a tough girl. I was so relieved when I could finally hug her, and told her my condolences, and support her. I hugged her tightly. I whispered little sweet nothings to her. I touched my forehead on hers (like what my mother did to me when I was little). I kissed her cheek (like how my mother and sister always do to me, to show how they love me unconditionally). She also asked me to help her through the hard days--I said we'd always be there with her (like what I promised myself).
However, I couldn't cry. Even though I cried like that the previous day--I couldn't afford to shed tears in front of Rose.
When in Rose's house, I thought of many things. Like why I couldn't cry.
First. I just... felt that I didn't have the right to. Rose was tough and tried not to cry--how could I, just a friend, who hadn't lost anyone, cry? "I should be strong and smile and make her feel better," I said to myself.
Second reason. I got a little lost in mind, since I was contemplating about the concept of losing a family. Well, three out of four of my grandparents have passed away but I never cried for them. Was too young, I guess. But now I've matured. I think I understand how hard it is to lose a family. I know how saddening it is to have your father or mother very sick. I know.
So I said to myself, "One day--one day it will be my turn to sit there, crying silently, and receiving condolences from people. God knows how far it will be from now--but that day will definitely come. One day, I will lose my parents. So I just want to love and give them everything I have now. So that I won't regret much. I have to love my parents, my family with everthing I have, starting from now."
Death. So close yet it feels so far. One happy day can bring you farther from acknowledging its distance to us. One death can remind us of how close it actually is. I just hope, spending another happy days won't make me forget about this one death I cried for.
RIP
Mr Sujoko
Rose's beloved father
-10082012-
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