Vianna Orchidia (c) 2013
Perfectionist
Warning: grammar, vocab, oneshot flashfic, no real plot, based on true life
I hate it most when you say, 'I'm
fine'.
Because as a matter of fact, you are
never 'okay'. Maybe I'm not a mind-reader, nor am I a clairvoyant,
but I've been with you for a while now. It's enough to know when
you're lying to me, saying you're okay despite you being not okay at
all.
I can see how you choose to stay in the
corner, not really paying attention to the scenes unfolding before
you. Your dark, immense brown orbs are focused solely on the guitar
you've been holding and setting since we started this meeting. You
don't even try to listen, I know; with those headphones on, you want
to block out all these distasteful noise.
I know. I've been looking.
At first I try to let you be as well.
But you are an essential person for this whole fiasco, you are
needed. Even if I know how dismayed you are with how things turn out,
you cannot just walk away. That's why I come to you.
“Zee,” I start. Noticing my
presence up close, you finally put down the headphones and train your
eyes on me. I'm glad; you still listen to me. “Zee, we need your
consent on the matter,” I say, though a little bitterly at the
almost-scowling face you make.
“Tell them I'm fine with any
conclusion you come to,” you say in a dismissively tone, then your
hands begin to tune the strings again. I'm not sure whether that
guitar really needs tuning anymore, or it's just your way to make me
leave.
Judging by your face, I think it's the
latter.
“I can't tell them half-hearted
approval,” I mutter slowly. “Come on, I know you have something
to say. Come to the front, okay?”
“Nah, I told you anything is fine by
me.”
“Zee, don't say that,” I plead as I
get slightly desperate. “At least come forward; you're one of the
captains, right?”
You glance at me once from behind those
long lashes, and I give you another pleading look. I can see the tiny
feel of guilty in your eyes, but they vanished beyond the sternness
again. “Dann will substitute me,” you raise your hand to the
dark-skinned male. “Hey, Dann! You go there for me, yeah?”
At that, my heart scrunchs a little.
Don't act all friendly like that... After all, Dann's the main reason
why you get so upset, no? You don't like him and don't want to accept
him in your team, no? But you can't say that, no matter what, because
it is a decision all of us made together yesterday. And that's why
you become sulky like this right now.
I've been with you for years, Zee. I
just know.
“Hey,” I practically screech out,
“but you're the captain, right? Come on, come forward. We need
you.”
“Dann can help too,” you say with a
smile. To comfort me, maybe? But not at the least am I comforted, for
that smile is too dry and forced. A smile not befitting for you.
“Zee—”
“Ann, Dann will substitute me, okay?”
How unfair. I cannot fight you whenever
you use that kind of tone, you know? From the start you are always
this kind of straight-forward and confident person. And from the
start, I'm never one to oppose such person. It feels like you just
said 'checkmate!' and here I am, edging away from you who put our
headphones on again.
But as I talk to Dann, asking him
things I should be discussing with you as the captain, I can't help
feeling so down. It is not his place. It's yours. And yours alone.
You are chosen because you can lead your team, not anything else. We
trust you, Zee, not Dann.
So with this set on mind, I stomp over
to you once again. I pull your shirt, forcefully asking for
attention, then exclaim, “Zee, you are the captain. Please,
come forward. Come with me, okay? Please?”
For a second you look stunned. I
realize my words are ridiculously begging, but I don't even give a
damn. You gaze at your guitar briefly, a look which I know will lead
to another excuse, so I quickly grab it and keep it away. “You can
play later. I'll even listen to your play! But now, please, just go
there and let's discuss this. Okay?”
Tears have dripped slowly into my
voice. I don't know if you realize it or not, but you finally give up
and put away your headphones. I am washed with relief as I trot back
to the front with you following close. When we arrive, Dann is
practically shoved away.
“Yo, welcome back, boy,” Brian,
another captain, welcomes you. “Finally here?”
“Yeah,” you reply curtly.
“Zee, we're discussing whether to
keep the members of every team as it is now or reshuffle it again,”
I explain. “Which one do you choose?”
You stare at me for another second
before answering, “Ann, I told you, either is fine for me.”
Going back to that circle of 'I'm fine'
huh? I feel my throat thicken with tears again. “Aren't you
dissatisfied with your current team?” I say, voice trembling.
“Not really,” you shrug
nonchalantly. Pretend. “I'm fine, you know.”
No you're not, I whisper in my mind as
I observe the faint deviance in your face and your tone.
“It's okay to reshuffle, actually,”
I keep on.
“No need, Ann. It's fine.”
“You're sure?”
“Yep. It's fine.”
“All right, if you say so,” I sigh
and wink at him, trying my best to swallow all my tears down. “Just
don't be so unwilling like that, okay? You'll tire your teammates.”
“Yeah, yeah,” you nod once. “You
worry too much, Ann.”
“I do?” I fake a laugh. “Can't
help, I guess. I'm a perfectionist.”
I sure am. I want everyone to be happy
in this matter. You, me, they, even Dann. I want us all content and
satisfied with our decision. Though, I know, we can never please
every single person. But hey, I'm a perfectionist!
I laugh at the irony as I wipe my tears
away.
-FIN-
I don't even know why I cried over this simple matter... Maybe because Zee was being so gloomy while his usual self is the complete opposite, I got dragged down. Oh, and because my friends' passive behaviour made this whole matter more complicated. Passive but sometimes a little selfish.
Yeah, it's impossible to please all of them, I know, I shouldn't have think about it too much.